Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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