textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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