Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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