just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
