you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
