do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
