Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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