I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
