I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
