nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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