my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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