My room smells like vodka and shame
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She announced her abortion via fbk
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
