new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
