My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We are all done wearing pants today
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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