it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize