Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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