meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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