i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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