I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize