the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
