So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
