I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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