i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
