He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
