Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
