I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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