Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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