Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
