Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
