My friends, they love my intelligence
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
