So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize