How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
babies were throwing up all over the place
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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