I hate your face
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I want her autograph on my taint
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
