Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
