Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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