I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize