you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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