When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
