Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
