Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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