ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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