If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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