but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
