Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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