1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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