I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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