what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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