i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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