I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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