Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
