yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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