Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
