Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
