I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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