He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is this like a preordered booty call?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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