Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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