Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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