If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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