Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
