My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
