Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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