I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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