How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
