Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
