broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
