I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
