Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
